I sat in circle tonight, and shared my struggles with attachment and love with the men in my group. This was maybe the third time I shared, but this time I was fucking angry, and I just wanted to be heard. I am completely frustrated and at wits end with this version of myself. My brain knows, but my body has been slow to catch up. It has been 18 months of exploration into the depths of how I love. It included a crushing conversation about love and safety with my mom, to repeated apologies for projections that spewed out in all sorts of ways. Chasing someone who has always been fundamentally unavailable, and turning it into a story of longing. I am painfully aware of what I am. And yet knowing is not enough, because that lives in the depths of my nervous system.
A man I highly respect looked at me in the eyes from across the circle and said, “what I see in you that I see in me is a deep ache to be more than what you are.” Like most things, it took a minute to land, but when it did, all I could see was a 7 or 8 year old version of me that was willing to be whatever I needed to belong and to secure love. It’s that boy in me that is scared of losing connection, of being abandoned, of being the boy who’s never chosen. So tonight I am going to choose him.
Daniel,
I know you’re scared buddy, but you don’t have to do this anymore. You don’t have to prove you’re worthy of love. You don’t have to earn it. You don’t have to offer the best of who you are to people who aren’t meant to hold it. You are worth of safety and security, and I can take care of that for us, now. I love you, and you are safe. I will give you all of the love that was meant for you. That doesn’t come from without, it comes from within. I love you, and I will always have your back.